How to survive a Haunted House (with pride intact)

It’s that time of season again where the Haunted Houses start to pop up all around the country. Many people have been hard at work all summer coming up with diabolical and malicious ways to literally scare the crap out of you in front of your friends If you want to have some fun and still maintain your pride read our tips below. Perhaps more terrifying than a zombie carrying a bloody axe is the prospect of looking like a fool during your night out with friends because you didn’t follow some easy guidelines.

1) Make sure to hit the bathroom/outhouse before you go into the haunted house. Yes, it may be inconvenient or even disgusting… but not nearly as inconvenient or disgusting as trying to hide the fact that a haunted house actually scared the CRAP out of you when the bloody clown with the chainsaw suddenly appears two feet from your head! There’s no bleach strong enough to erase the embarrassment of climbing back into your best friend’s car with wet or stinky jeans. Trust me… this is a COMMON occurrence for haunted house managers… they see it all the time… they take pride in this fact…don’t be THAT statistic!!

2) Know Thy Body. Consider Dramamine if you know you get motion sickness… and don’t eat or drink too much right before going to a haunted house. When Past Tense owners are quoted as saying they have seen all forms of bodily fluids expelled in their haunted house… they are not kidding. If spinning rooms make you dizzy – take our advice and take a motion sickness pill BEFORE going!! Come on… If you know you’re the one who gets motion sickness at festival rides… don’t combine alcohol, food, riding in the back of your friend’s minivan with the horrors of blood, guts, foul smells and haunted attractions designed to disorientate you and expect it to end well. You MUST NOT be THAT friend who pukes at the first haunted house after seeing blood oozing out of the head of someone just got ripped open by a sword-bearing ninja.

3) Don’t scream like a little twirp. I don’t care who you are… it’s humiliating to scream like a TV Horror movie victim in front of your friends. Your chances of EVER being intimidating in any situation again in your life go down 87% if you scream like a little girl at a haunted house. Practice being scared without screaming like a girl. Practice a tough, and confident scream – perhaps a gasp… Avoid the high-pitch ear-drum crushing notes. Consider going on a roller-coaster without a safety harness and try not to scream. Practice by imagining or watching some old people making out. Now that is a horrifying experience in itself.

4) Speed Vs. Endurance…Fear can only hurt you if it can catch you… Run a triathlon or marathon or do any other type of physical training that will help you to run faster through the house or field. The faster you go through the house, the less likely you are to see something that will scare you. Downside… funny things can happen when you actually outrun all your friends in a haunted house and find yourself alone… in a dark room… with a clown.

5) Safety in Numbers…Go in a group with a bunch of friends and maybe in won’t be so traumatic when you see the head being chopped off of the witch or the bear with blood on its teeth getting ready to gnaw off your face. Be with someone you won’t be afraid to hug or hold hands with. For tough guys – THIS is your opportunity to be the strong confident one who proves his strength and value by protecting the fearful delicate females. And if you get caught holding your damsel in distress a little too close…You can blame it on the creature that got too close.

6) Deflect Attention… Secret trick…. say the name of your friends in the haunted house casually. The actors will catch-on & scare them even more by calling out their name in their terrifying charade… if your friends are completely freaked out, they’re much less likely to notice how scared you are.

7) Breathing for dummies: Practice holding your breath and counting to 10 to keep down your anxiety. If you can’t count to 10, then your screwed and you should have learned more in school. In that case you take long deep breaths but don’t make heavy breathing noises because then others will think you may be one of the monsters too or a hidden actor and take out your kneecaps.

8) Keep your FISTS DOWN!! Seriously, when you get scared do NOT reflexively punch-out the scary monster. Remember… it’s probably a 16 year old girl under that mask that is making minimum wage who took time away from her friends to jump out and scare you tonight. Imagine your ACTUAL horror when that mask flies off to reveal a girl half your size knocked out because you couldn’t handle a fright… at a haunted house… that you paid to go into. Try explaining THAT one to your friends.

9) Watch your Blood Alcohol level. Just because you CAN drink alcohol doesn’t necessarily make it a great idea on haunted house night. Pace yourself. Remember your ability to follow all these tips is completely dependent on your ability to remember them. Watch out, every bad side effect of alcohol is MUCH worse when you’re scared… think coordination, the need to use the bathroom, often… puking, acting like an idiot, and punching innocent people are NOT handy on this particular night-out.

10) Have Fun!! Remember, this as for fun and entertainment and to give some out-of-work actors and teenagers a job and also a fun way to literally get scared to a near -death experience but live to talk about in tomorrow. Do not take any of this too seriously, and have a great time.

Top 8 Fall Date-Destinations:

1. Haunted Anything – Best First-Date Winner… Things constantly jumping out at you will lead to some physically close moments, which can often lead to second and third dates, or first and second base, depending on your individual goals.
Our personal recommendation for a great bonding or just plain scary experience. is Past Tense After Dark in Lapeer, MI

. 

First of all, you get 3 haunted attractions in one location PLUS a HUGE Bonus:

1. The Haunted Hay Ride of Despair,
2. Corn Maze of fear and
3. Haunted House of Horrors
4. Then afterwards, calm down and cozy up in the warm, dry cider mill with delicious fresh cider and yummy, warm donuts.
5. Click here to get tickets

Just make sure to read our article on How to Survive a Haunted House with Your Pride In-Tact.

2. Halloween Costume Party: –For the guy looking for some action, I suggest Dracula. You’ll have a valid reason to put your lips on her neck. For the gal not looking for action, go with the Ice Queen or Tin-Man! Unless he carries a can opener, you should be good.
You will want decoration for the party and If you plan this correctly, you can decorate your house so it will look so bad the neighbors will complain BEFORE the party starts. Past Tense Country Store in Lapeer has an entire section of Halloween decorations!

3. Fairs & Festivals – Pumpkin drops, rickety looking rides, pigs wearing blue ribbons, timeshare salesmen, and deep fried anything all converge at this one event. Head over to the games and win her a stuffed animal. You can boast about the days when you were the team’s star pitcher, then take on the challenge of dropping $100 trying to knock three milk bottles off an end table set up ten feet in front of you.
Or….definitely consider Past Tense Cider Mill which has Fall Festival each weekend in October where you’ll be entertained with live music. choose a pumpkin, take a casual hay-ride and sip on warm or cold apple cider. No chance you can blow this date. It’s a real functioning cider mill (fascinating) and girls LOVE the store next door. Guys, this is your chance to show your softer side and win some HUGE points…guaranteed to pay off big time with the girls.

4. Football Game – Great first date destination. Whether high school, college level or pro… exciting plays on the field or a couple of shirtless morons in the stands will help assure that the conversation never lags. A lot can be learned about your date in those three hours. Things like tolerance, intelligence, and most importantly team allegiance. The chill in the air is another likely ‘excuse’ for cuddling up. 🙂

5. A Nice Walk – Often overlooked as an official date, an autumn stroll can be quite enjoyable. The changing colors of the trees with their leaves on the ground, and the subtle aroma of the upcoming holidays in the air can be quite romantic. Residents of drought stricken California may want to pass on this one. Although the weeds and brown lawns on the ground, and the smell of raging wildfires in the air, carry their own unique appeal.

Colorful autumn park at sunny day

6. Pumpkin Night – A great date for the long term or married couples. Take her to the pumpkin patch and pick out a perfect pair. Then, go back home, choose your favorite knives to scoop out the goop, and suggest that each of you carve the jack-o-lantern to represent the other person. You will get some interesting results. Note: Trying to depict an over bearing, self-centered gold digger in a large gourd isn’t easy. A great place to pick those pumpkins is Past Tense Cider Mill in Lapeer… all throughout October you can make picking out a pumpkin as fun as picking out a Christmas tree – while sipping cider & listening to live music on their pavilion.    

Halloween Jack-o-Lantern Pumpkins

7. Fall Color Drive – This can be super cool but it is absolutely dependent on weather and fall color peak. Plan the drive to include back-roads, hills and lakes if possible. Plan a few stops at cool local pubs and gift-shops. Nothing will show off a date’s real personality like spending hours in a car together… so be prepared. We suggest incorporating a stop at cool local favorites like Past Tense Cider Mill for lunch & Fall Festival Entertainment each weekend day all October to keep things interesting.  

Autumn on Sherando Lake Recreation Area in the George Washington National Forest.

8. Winery Tour – If you think your date is likely to be more fun after enjoying some alcoholic beverages, but a bar seems less than romantic…consider taking a drive to local wineries. You may need to make driving arrangements so that you can really enjoy the trip safely, but Fall and Octoberfest can be a perfect time to enjoy the drive as well as the destination and the wine practically guarantees a great time.   

Why…Why are we literally shelling out hard earned dollars each year to experience FEAR?
With Halloween around the corner everywhere you look is another way to PAY to feel frightened.

Horror movies are the new romantic date nights… Haunted houses are all the rage.
Even the 24 ‘news’ stations have even gotten on board scaring us on the hour about the next financial collapse to come or how the potential terror threats or natural disaster is about to hit.

So, what’s the attraction with fear?
It’s a bitter sweet love affair we have with fear…it can even be addictive says one researcher.

1. The excitement can release stress hormones that are exciting and give us a short-term boost of energy. (an all-natural high)

 
2. Being Scared or traumatized together can be a HUGE Bonding experience.  Seriously -it has a name – “Traumatic Bonding” “the misuse of fear, excitement, sexual feelings, and sexual physiology to entangle another person when they experience a traumatic event together. .
 
3. Fear can actually be good for you. The way you perceive scary things actually determines whether it’s good or bad for you. If you love it, it actually stimulates your immune system.  If you perceive it as a bad thing it can have the opposite effect.    
 
4. It may have evolutionary advantages as the advances in technology have nearly always come through someone pushing outside their comfort zone.
 
5. Sometimes it’s fun to just be in the moment & not think. Fear triggers the fight or fight reaction which removes the higher thinking and emotional part of our brain from the equation.
 
6. It’s similar to the excitement in a new relationship...your heart pumps harder, your palms sweat, your brain goes out the window… The feelings mimic the excitement and exhilaration you feel when falling in love…Not a bad way to spend 20 minutes

.
7. Many of us may be addicted to fear, anxiety and stress chemicals in our brain. Our lives are so safe these days compared with our ancestors, yet we feel constant and chronic stress. Perhaps we’re just living in a consistent state of elevated Cortisol. Researchers say that can actually lead to an addiction to the stress hormones.  When life becomes boring we create stress to keep the excitement going.

Halloween is just around the corner and we here at Past Tense After Dark love to scare people. We have scoured the internet to bring you the best scare pranks of the 2015 season so far.

Ready for some more scares of your own?

Come and find out if you can survive all 3 of Past Tense After Dark’s haunted attractions.

Maybe you’ll be on our list after the season is over…